Tonight...

was a drunk mess of fun. Drinking is full of empty calories and hung over regrets, but I had an absolutely amazing time. And, I needed it. Really, the world is full of the most incredible people.

Today is THE DAY!

Well folks, it's "Go Time." I have wallowed, I have cried. I have nearly given up and I have hated him and myself, a lot. But, today is different. Because:

Today is the day I let things go.

Today is the day I find my strength.

Today is the day where I realize, I am worth it.

Today is the day I begin new.

I am about to drop the ugly statistics. Be kind. I have never admitted this to anyone...

My weight: 249lbs. Ugh. There I said it. But you can't tell anyone. I start my meds tomorrow for the PCOS. Metformin. They say it helps with weight loss on top of regulating my ovulation. It is not a diet drug by any means. They also say it causes diarrhea. No wonder people lose weight with it. So, I give you me...

This is not a me that I am proud of. But there I am. I think I am only willing to admit this because I am determined for change. We'll see how it goes.

The first 190 lbs should be the easiest, right?

So, my husband is divorcing me. He told me through a text message. He hasn't talked to me since the week I told him I have PCOS. I am sure I have something clever to say about this... I just can't find it right now.

My First Ever Picture Blog...

::Cue heroic fan fare:

I cooked today. I never cook. Never. As a matter of fact, I haven't been grocery shopping in months. I cleaned out my fridge in preperation of this momentous event and took three large garbage bags down to the dumpster. Digusting, I know. But, that was the past. This is day one of the new me...(for now) I picked up an issue of "Clean Eating." This magazine is brilliant. Inside was an article called... 5 meals for $50. It came completed with recipies and a grocery shopping list.



Day One: Salmon Patties with Summer Squash and Zucchini

This is what it's supposed to look like

Here's the Journey

The recipie called for Carrots, peeled and grated.

They assume I have a peeler and grater.

I do not. I have a big knife. That is all.

No small carrots here... oh no, we like 'em big and chunky.

Yummy!

The final product!

Not quite the picture, but absolutely delicious.

The best part: less than $5. to serve 4

Per Serving: Calories: 210 Fat: 4.5

Today, I tried alligator meat.

Eh. It wasn't great, it wasn't terrible. It just was.

Drove out of town today to visit my mom. Ah, the lessons learned on the great paved road. I was reminded of why I live less than a mile from my work and why I hate to drive. Today, I give you... "Profiles of those who should not be allowed to drive."


Eyes below the steering wheel lady: You frequently see her in movies and wonder if she really exists. She does. You are on the freeway and somehow get behind a car that is older than you are and surely is longer than most houses. You can not see the head of the driver, for she is not tall enough to be seen...even though she is neatly situated on several pillows or phone books. Cars are zipping by on your left, giving you no opportunity to pass. You are stuck doing 40 in a 60 zone.. cursing the DMV employee who is probably having a chuckle at your expense.

The Hick with a "sense of humor": His truck towers over your vehicle. His window are down and Garth Brooks is blaring from his speakers. If you were to be behind him, more than likely you would find yourself looking at a metal nutsack hanging from his hitch or mudflaps with a womans silhouette. His back window probably sports a decal with the phrase "Git er done!" He fancies himself quite the driver and likes to "race". Sure, you may need to get over to take your exit. But, he thinks you are playing a game. You speed up to pass, he speeds up. You slow down to get behind him, he slows down. His entertainment comes only from your frustration. Guess what kids, we are taking the long way home.

The Yuppy: There he sits in his 1985 BMW. You would not be able to find a speck of dust in his car or a hair out of place. He drives, meticulously, with hands stationed at ten and two. You can typically find him in the center lane, driving at 60mph, exactly. (OK, he can have is liscence... atleast he is safe)

The Soccer Mom: Beating errant children with one hand and chatting on her cell with the other, you can find this brilliant motorist directly behind you. By directly, I mean driving on your tail so close that you couldnt fit a toothpick between your car and her SUV. You would not understand her need to hurry as your life is in no way anywhere near as hectic or trying as hers is. Buy her a cup of coffee, and she would tell you all about the husband that doesn't pay attention anymore and the trials of being such a "caring" mom who no one appreciates.

I'd continue on, but I have homework to do.




"Life begets life. Energy creates energy. Itis by spending oneself that one becomes rich."
Sarah Bernhardt

I did it!

I put in for a transfer. Change is on the horizon. I hope.

Letting someone in

I am thinking of a room mate. Life is not cheap and I like to do things. I like to travel. China peaked my interest and left me craving more of the world. I like cameras. No, I love cameras. I love capturing humanity... candid or posed. I love books. I cannot get enough of the written word. None of these things are cheap. Getting a roommate would alleviate a lot of financial burden. It would be nice to not be alone for the holidays. It would be nice to not be alone.
But, can I let someone in? I am difficult. I am emotional, messy and chaotic. I have a lot of stuff. I can be selfish and needy. I am filled with flaws that can be disguised as quirks and charm. The disguise does not last long.

I am torn between fearing change and loving change. I worry.

So, the story goes...

Another day, another dollar. I spent my afternoon apartment hunting. There is something exciting about a new place. A new beginning. It seems to be a theme in my life right now.

I have one of those books, okay, I have several... You know, the ones that inspired the movie "The Bucket List." 1,000 Places to see Before you Die. 2,001 Things to do Before you Die. Astonish Yourself! 101 Expirements in the Philosophy of Everyday Life. These are just the ones that grace my desk bookshelves. I sometimes wonder, do people write these books to inspire or do they write them in hopes that one day they'll be able to witness someone doing something idiotic because their book told them to. Maybe it's a mixture of both. There is a certain release in having the freedom to make an idiot of yourself... and enjoy it. I try to accomplish something from one of my many "Bucket List" books every day... at the very least, every week. There are some that I will never complete... I will never throw my panties at Tom Jones. Sad, I know. Today, I danced with glee. Completely uninhibited and free. It was lovely.

I leave you with this...

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like the fabulous yellow roman candles exploding."
Jack Kerouac


What will you do today?

To you I say...

take your darn list and shove it!

I do not get paid enough to deal with this.

In a Cafe near you...

I watched you today.
Perfect stranger with your striped tights.
I watched you watch people.
You snagged the best seat in the house,
A worn old cushy chair facing the window.
Diary in one hand, caffinated heaven in the other.
I watched you today
and I wondered.
A couple pass by
Your tea gets neglected
as you scribble furiously in your aged notebook.
Your foot taps lightly as you nibble on your eraser.
I watched you today and wondered...
who's watching me?

Sold! To the highest bidder...

My sister's mother in law has decided she wants me as a daughter in law as well. She has two eligible sons and would like for me to take my pick.
Oh, the ways this is wrong...
1.I'll start with the most obvious. I'm married. I do not live with my husband, nor have I for the last 5 years. But still, I'm married.
2. I find it to be horribly disfunctional to shop for a new mate within the family. In laws are just like step sibilings... they are related to you by marriage. I would like my family tree to branch wide, thank you.
Now on to the more delicate reasons...
3. There are assumptions that I am interested in sharing my life with one of these two gentlemen. To that I say, no chance in hell. They both seem like very intelligent and capable young men. They also seem quirky beyond measure (hey, I'm quirky and tolerant... but not that tolerant), very extreme, and we have nothing in common.
4. There are also assumptions that they are interested in me. Boy, am I not their type. I do not enjoy water sports, I do not enjoy jumping off of cliffs. I do not smoke. I do not cook. Really, I'm rather difficult to live with and nearly impossible to be in a relationship with.

I certainly do not hear wedding bells...

It's Official...

I went to the Dr. and she confirmed it. I do have PCOS. I have been throwing my self quite the pity party lately and have decided to pull myself out of it. So, maybe it'll be harder to get pregnant. I have wanted children all my life. I dream about having babies. Which makes me more than willing to jump through any necessary hoops to have them.
Now, I look to the bright side. I have a name and a reason for all those things I hate about myself. Maybe even a solution that will make many of them go away. What's not to love about that? Maybe I'm not bipolar. Maybe I'm not overweight because I'm a lazy slob. Maybe I'm not cursed and the powers that be aren't picking on me. Maybe, really, I am just hormonal.. of the wrong kind. Maybe I'll have energy again. God, I can't even remember what that feels like.

So, I give you the new me. Well, not yet. I give you the beginning of the cocoon that will be the new me. If, no.. Once, I transform, maybe I'll be strong enough to start a revolution!


I should probably start by getting some sleep. It's way past my bedtime...

I am soo needing to go to bed...

But, not matter how hard I try, I can't drag myself away from the computer. My eyes are literally burning. As in, actual physical pain... but I am so desperate for human interaction of the technology variety, that I just keep checking all my sites to see if someone...anyone, wants to talk.
And, there is no one. Because who in their right mind is up this late?

Playing hookey

You know, I'm not quite sure how to spell that. I left work today. I just couldn't handle being there anymore, so I'm taking a me day. I should be cleaning my apartment, folding laundry maybe even dragging out the Halloween Decorations. Eh, I really don't feel like it. I think I'm going to take a me day tomorrow too.

Today belonged to Murphy's Law

I dread saying this as there is still 2 and 1/2 hours left in the day, but I just don't think that today could get any worse. I won't bore you with all of my woe's.. I'll stick with the one that is weighing the heaviest on my mind...
PCOS. Polycystic ovary syndrome. The leading cause of infertility. Of the 8 symptoms listed on Wikkipedia, I have 6. Possibly 7 as I do not know whether I am fertile or not.
I don't even think I can talk about this

Ah, the criminal minds found in my great city...

Found from a local police blotter...

~A woman is found outside of her home, dancing naked. When questioned, she admitted to naked dancing and feeling like maybe, just maybe, someone was watching her.

~Trees are found cut down in a protected wetland. Suspect is questioned and claims the tree had already fallen before he cut it down.

~An unknown suspect cut the lock and took off with a local golf cart. ( High speed chase sure to follow)

~ The suspect entered a business that was closed. The clerk refused service. The suspect proceeded to assult the clerk by throwing several rolls of cough drops.


I ask you, what is the world coming to?